THE VOLCANO BLOWS UP IN MY HEAD

THE VOLCANO BLOWS UP IN MY HEAD

Issued by : Mohammad Khadziqun Nuha

It seems that I have not used English for a long time to write something after I graduated from TBI (That’s it! my college degree). First of all, let me share my diary of depression much more than ever today! But well, if you do not like my activities on facebook, I allow you to block my account anytime you want. It is going to be my pleasure to accept it. LOL.

Yap! Let me devote whatever comes in my mind started several months ago. I never apologized for being emotional and sensitive. It was the sign that I had a big heart and that I was not afraid to let others see it. Showing my emotions was sign of strength.

Behind my smile, do you know that there is hurting heart? Behind my laughing, do you know that I am falling apart? Please look closely at me and you are going to see, the man I am! I am try to sweep under the carpet to shoulder a burden. Masya Allah... Twice suffered broken heart in adjacent time made me increasingly frustrated. The first one, I really was in love with a girl, wanted things to go smoothly and kept her as long as possible. But, what did I get? She left me for someone else with a made-up reasons. It was a big bullshit that I got from someone who I believe that will be my ribs. This has made me fall in the deepest valley. The second one, I believe that I have found someone completed my life, relieved my anxiety and gave me encouragement. We share, pour out our heart and encourage each other. Yet unfortunately, it was unrequited love. You know, what? Whether you are the one who loves or is loved by someone, it can be a painful experience. Trust me! If I were feeling upset, depressed, or bitter, it was probably because I feel I need that person's love in order to be happy. It is OK. She is not meant to understand right now. But someday, I do believe that her heart will change. Allah has an elaborate plan. She has to remember unless Allah has specifically promised you something, you never know whatever the future might hold.

To calm me down, I try to distance myself. I won't want to, but staying close to someone you want but can't have just isn't healthy. I do not tell the person or anyone close to her what I am doing, as they might try to convince me otherwise. I try to get away for a while. I do not call them, do not go places where I know they frequently visit, and make myself scarce. If I must have some contact (such as work) respond to messages slowly after a few days. Only call back when I have a good excuse to get off the phone after a few minutes. I take the time to reflect on my situation and learn more about myself.

Furthermore, this thesis is also weighing on my mind. Lord, I do not know what to do. I am lack of discipline or focus, I procrastinate too much and also my job requires me to handle lots of issues which make me jump from one topic to the next so I cannot focus on one thing. I have to stay organized at all times (I fail to stick to the schedule that I drafted as per my progressions)”. Oh my Lord!

Honestly, I also want to someone who can be a place to come back when I am hit by a variety of problems, someone who strengthens me when I fall, someone who can be poured out all that burdens my heart and someone who treats me with the same kindness, respect, and appreciation as I would a close friend. I need a support, listen to, and laugh with each other and do not allow ourselves to be rude or disrespectful. I do believe that the power of love directly affects our physical health, too, by boosting our immune system, improving our cardiovascular functioning, and also increasing our life expectancy. But now, I feel a sense of loss over something I never had. Still, I have to learn how to enjoy life without someone, which can be hard in our couple-centered society, but it's do-able.

I think that’s all for this note but something important that you have to know is MY FACEBOOK IS MY DIARY. It just dawned on my mind that we are all keeping a diary as we write on facebook. I found facebook to be like my own little personal online public viewing diary. MY FACEBOOK IS MY DIARY and therefore I have my musing and yours too, scroll back and see what you were writing a while back and perhaps see your comments on others posting. I realize that I love my own facebook account as my diary. Yap! MY FACEBOOK IS MY DIARY  and thanks to Mark Zuckerberg anyway...